Wicked Guardians Anonymous

You’ve heard of The First Wives’ Club, a ragtag group of scorned women ready to take on the world (I've never seen the movie, but I assume my summary is accurate). Now we present to you the ‘So-called Wicked Step-mothers *featuring one ‘adoptive’ mother* Club’. Or, the more succinct 'Wicked Guardians Anonymous'.

This group exists (at least in my imagination) for a reason - everyone needs support, understanding and the chance to talk to others who can relate - others who won’t judge (too much).

This is how it came to be that Maleficent (the evil fairy from ‘Sleeping Beauty’), Queenie (Snow White’s stepmother was never given a first name as such), Lady Tremaine (Cinderella’s stepmother) and Mother Gothel (Rapunzel’s ‘adoptive’ mother) gather at a groovy tavern every Thursday night for coffee, cake and the spilling of guts (not literally... always)

We recorded a portion of one of their sessions for educational purposes - to try to understand and support these women and learn why they committed such dastardly deeds. Tape recorders weren’t invented at the time so we copied down as much as we could with our trusty pen and ink (aka La Plume).

Maleficent: Sorry I'm late; my crow has a bad case of the bird flu at the moment. I have one of the henchmen watching over her tonight so that I can be here for your PRECIOUS gathering!
Mother Gothel: It's not just for us, it's for you too - you know I'm right - Mother knows best!
Tremaine: You're not even Rapunzel's stepmother! You kidnapped her, for God's sake!
Queenie: We all have reasons for our actions, don't judge so harshly, Tremaine.
Tremaine: I’ll judge if I like – after all, you poisoned your own stepdaughter!
Queenie: I least I give her time to chill out and have a healthy snack. She’s so pasty; I’m just trying to put some colour in her cheeks! I’m not half the slave driver you are with Cinderella!
Mother Gothel:  At least she keeps Cinderella safe from the big, bad world out there... unlike someone I won’t mention who plans to send her stepdaughter into the woods with a strapping Huntsman!  
Queenie: I don’t keep Snow prisoner like some guardians do with their charges! Anyway, I thought we were here to support each other. We aren’t perfect, but we all have our good points, right? It's not our fault that we’ve had to toughen up - there's so much pressure for women to stay young, isn't there?
Mother Gothel: Totally. Once I hit 25, nobody wanted to know me. What else was I to do but kidnap Rapunzel and enjoy the youth gained from her magic sun-infused hair?
Maleficent: Exactly... these young upstarts will one day learn what it's like to be over the hill, they won't be 16 forever! Unless they touch a spindle and die and become forever remembered as sixteen year olds, therefore being deemed somewhat immortal... oh shoot, what have I done?
Tremaine: It's just so hard for those who aren't young and beautiful. My biological daughters are not oil paintings by any means, and they're almost 22 - old maids! I'm simply trying to give them an advantage to get by in the world. Truth is, no one will want to marry them, and I'll be stuck with them forever. I really do hope things change in the future for women...
Queenie: Tell your daughters that marriage is overrated anyway, hon. I mean look at me – I’m a widow stuck with an irritating stepdaughter with a really annoying voice whom everyone worships. People stopped noticing how gorgeous I am once the little bimbo started to develop curves.
Mother Gothel: Everyone still thinks I'm pretty attractive and I'm 110 years old!
All others: Yeah, but you're a cheat!
Maleficent: Meanwhile, I'm ageing gracefully. I just hate being excluded from parties. Especially seeing as I cast the spell that made King Stefan and Queen Leah able to conceive Aurora in the first place! Ungrateful gits...
All gasp: Really?!

Tremaine: That's what I mean, everyone's so ungrateful. I'm just trying to give my stepdaughter some skills so she can be more than just a pretty face. I think she'd marry the first man she met though, given half a chance.
Queenie: What hope do us feminist trailblazers have? Instead of being immortalised as heroines, they'll probably portray us as nasty bitches, just to keep the movement at bay! It's a man's world and we need to be brave enough to change that!
Mother Gothel: Hear, hear! I don't let any man own me. I climb down the hair ladder every night, go out gallivanting with men, have my fun with them, then discard them. Then I climb back up the hair rope and return to my life as a single adoptive mother. I'm a strong modern, 13th century feminist pioneer if ever there was one!
Maleficent: But you wouldn't get lucky very often if you weren't sucking the power out of your kid's ridiculously long mane of hair! In fact, you'd be six feet under!
Tremaine: Just like Aurora will be soon if you manage to track her down? No judgment...
Maleficent: I don't plan to kill her! I’ve changed my mind... I just want her to know the truth about me - that I'm not a terrible person - I just got excluded one too many times. I want to tell her that she wouldn't even exist if it weren't for me. Not too much to ask, right? Maybe she’ll even invite me to her Sweet Sixteen party!
Queenie:  Maybe said doubtfully... you never know, we might get our ‘Happily Ever Afters’ too. I'm just trying to make an honest living with my apple farm, so I know what it's like to be misunderstood. Some of my apples are a bit sick-making, but I mean... that's the pesticides - you've got to keep them looking good so that people will buy them... kind of like women today. How depressing.
Mother Gothel: You said it, sister. This is why I need to keep Rapunzel up in that tower... when she's 21 I might let her take boys up there so she can be like me - love 'em and leave 'em...
Queenie: Maybe she could hang out in the woods with Snow and her chaperone.
Mother Gothel:  Erm... maybe not. Ohmigod, is that the time? I need to get back to the hair ladder... make sure she's still there. I have a bad feeling she's escaped!
Maleficent: Ugh... all these young ladies are going to end up on tissue boxes, yoghurt tubs and cold packs! I wouldn't be surprised if hundreds of years from now, little girls still dream of being like them - young, beautiful and not so bright.
Tremaine: What are yoghurt tubs?
Queenie: What's a tissue box for that matter?
Maleficent: Never mind, they’re just... I'm a fairy so I know some things about the future...
Mother Gothel: See you next week. Fight the power, ladies!
Maleficent: Bye! Waits until the door closes behind Mother Gothel Thank God she's gone. She's such a hypocrite. Feminist, my horns!
Queenie: She may not be the fairest of them all, but I must admit I envy her youthful appearance. I might ask the Huntsman if he wouldn’t mind taking her along on the bush hike as well...
Tremaine: Envy, such a wasteful emotion! Anyway, I'm off too.  The ball's tomorrow night, so I best go and make sure Cinders has done her chores. She seems to think she's going to go along too... but she's grounded for feeding the mice and encouraging them to stick around. It's disgusting, I tell you.
Maleficent: Ugh. My crow will be happy to come around and help with your rodent problem if you like!
Tremaine beaming: Thanks heaps, that'd be wonderful! I'll get Cinderella to make a bird bath so your darling can really feel at home.
Maleficent: That's the way - keep that girl of yours busy!
Tremaine: Good night. I'll tell you all about the ball next week - hopefully my daughters will be married off by then!
Queenie: Waits until the door closes behind Tremaine Ah, she's a hard taskmaster, isn't she?
Maleficent: Hmmm...why aren't I invited to the ball?!
Queenie: Ugh, here goes...
Maleficent: I hear you had the girls ‘round for apple cider last night – why wasn't I aware of that?
Queenie: Erm... I better go... (checks herself in a miniature version of her magic mirror) Have places to go, things to do!
Maleficent: Can I come or would it be beneath you to invite me?
Queenie: Must run, take care Malef!
Maleficent to lonely self: I don’t have any children of my own to run home to, just a bloody crow. No husband either. Stupid men only go for wimpy little yes-women... Oh well, at least this whole ‘search for Aurora’ thing keeps me busy...

So there you go...  hope this gave you some insight into the lives and loves of this group of complex, dynamic, irreverent, and fascinating women of history. Watch this space to find out when the ‘So-called Wicked Step-mothers *featuring one ‘adoptive’ mother* Club’ novels, movie trilogy, theme park and incontinence pads become available for purchase!

Epiphany

I've always been a budding writer. One of my major goals in life is to complete one of my many partially completed novels to my elusive satisfaction. If I had a bucket list, it would be right near the top. To be published would be a momentous bonus.

It seems a bit sad and sorry that I have an array of hidden stories on my computer at home, most of which will never be read, expanded upon or even acknowledged, despite the blood, sweat and late nights I put into them. As much as I love it, it's a lot of work to go to waste.

So to at least acknowledge that these neglected writings exist in the world, I hereby present a list of the novels/novellas/stories I've half/quarter/one-eightieth completed (in no particular order - the ones I remember, at least):

To Dance Again - the story of a hippy girl who has a guy best friend. She's in love with an older guy, but he's about to marry someone else, to keep his dying Nan happy. The best guy friend (based on a young John Cusack - how dreamy) drifts away a bit when he finds a girlfriend... um... it's all a bit clichéd, which is why I dumped it, I guess.

Besties Reunion Story (working title) - this seemed slightly original at the time, but of course it's been done to death now - the four best girlfriends get together for a holiday/reunion after one of them finally breaks up with her possessive boyfriend and organises it. There are fights, tears and tantrums... two of the characters are writing a book together - I think this was the one where that was one of the story threads. Hmmm, whatever.

Allison and Owen (working title)

A huge, ambitious epic of a novel, aka as 'put it in the too-hard basket'. Covers about twenty years of Allison's life, showing her lifelong friendship with Owen, and how other things get in the way of them getting together. It tracks her journey from timid little girl to confident, fulfilled woman. Owen looks like Seth Green in my head. Allison looks like Allison Hannigan in my head. How typical of me. One David Nicholls obviously hacked into my computer and stole this story to help him write his book. It was subsequently made into a movie called 'One Day'.  It stars Anne Hathaway and Jim Sturgess! Bah!

Off The Cuff (currently working on, technically speaking)The whole purpose and direction of this one keeps changing. I'm in danger of dumping it, but I've worked so hard, and I think it has potential. It's made a couple of my friends laugh in parts, and it even makes me laugh when I re-read it. I'd call that potential. It's just that this story is no longer original either - ie, shy girl has some kind of epiphany that makes her tell everything that's on her mind. I thought it could be a girlie spin on 'Liar, Liar', but then Sophie Kinsella went and jumped in with her girlie spin on ‘Liar Liar’. She's so fast at churning out stuff. It's starting to show too, just quietly. (CAT-TEE!)

Epiphany (currently working on, technically speaking)

Just decided that this Young Adult novella is called ‘Epiphany’. Also just decided that Epiphany is also the name of the daggy girl in the story. I was inspired to write this after reading Sonya Hartnett's 'Butterfly', which was sort of a dark story about a young adult that's probably more for slightly older young adults and adults. Or younger, more mature young adults. Anyways, target audiences aside, I'm also getting inspired by 'Xanadu' and 'Muriel's Wedding', so it's an interesting mish mash. Oh, and it was all triggered by a weird, slightly creepy dream I had ages ago. I don't want to say too much about it because this one feels kinda special and mysterious... let's see how I go!

And these are just the ones I can remember. Might have to go through the archives and see what else I can dig up! Could be sitting on a gold mine... if I start working on one of these again, rather than sticking to safe, quick and easy articles and editorials, poems and the odd short story! (I also love editing other people's work.) I'm a busy Mum but I'm sure I could make time... yeah, that's the spirit!

I feel like ‘Epiphany’ is my best bet... pray for me! Most of my epiphanies end up looking like plain old bad ideas... better to have written and dumped than to never have written at all!